I'm not sure this ice cream analogy works the way I hoped it would.

I'm not sure how much you guys know about the Scottish exam system (because goodness, the English and American school systems baffle me no end) but basically, the real, proper, incredibly important exams fall between the Easter holiday and the Summer holiday. The best way I've heard it described is by a guy I've met once or twice at gatherings: it's like someone gives you an ice cream, and when you've eaten half of it, they take it away and punch you in the face. Then they give it back. I'm at the face-punching stage. My exams start in three weeks, so that's a bit scary. I think I'm getting enough done but there's still a lot I have to do and things I'm worried about, but I'm sure it'll all work out. I hope.

Gosh, I'm incredibly tired. I was going to go to bed early last night but my friend Declan was waiting for a youtube video to upload and wouldn't let me go to sleep, so I ended up in a Skype call with him for almost three hours. Which leads me to what Alix was talking about: I think the what keeps you going/what keeps you happy thing is really interesting, and I think my friends keep me going because they keep me happy. I mean, if we're talking about my real, actual friends rather than people I just hang out with.

Like, Declan in particular I think I became friends with mostly due to mutual dislike for pretty much everyone else, but he's definitely one of my best friends now. And there's a girl who started at my school less than a year ago, I was friends with her from day one due to our shared love of Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music, and now I don't know what I'd do without her. Those two more than any of my other friends probably keep me going, because they're the ones I can trust to talk to about my problems, but they also keep me happy, because I laugh a whole lot when I'm with them. I have other awesome friends too, but yeah, that's what mostly springs to mind.

My parents keep me going, I would say, and music, however cliche it might sound. But music is one of those one-category things - like, sometimes it can make me feel better without actually making me feel happy, if that makes sense.

Emily, you sound super busy! Gah, I don't envy you with those kids - I really don't do well with children. They infuriate me beyond belief. I know I sound awful, but seriously, me + kids = screaming and crying. Anyway, I'm glad you're back! ^.^

I don't have much else to say this week. I just bought myself Jack White's new album, so I'm going to go and listen to it for the fourth time.
Best wishes,
Julia x

When all is said and done

Well, today was my final teaching day. I thought I would be happy to get rid of the munchkins, but in reality, I miss them already. They were so sweet, even though they did get on my nerves.I received cards, hugs, au revoir's, among many other wonderful goodbye gifts. It's sad, but it was certainly a wonderful learning experience. I feel so blessed to have been able to connect with such bright little minds over French.

Ahem. Excuse the epic cheesy factor. I had to get that out. But little by little, my weeks are becoming less chaotic. While I know for a fact that this calm period won't last forever, I'm going to enjoy it fully.

Oh! I won highest grade in French for this semester, so I get to go to some French teacher assoc. award ceremony on Monday. Yay. There's more French related stuff going on next week, but we'll discuss that when it comes time.

Let's see. I have a paper due in Anatomy next Wednesday (not to mention a test tomorrow). I'm not looking forward to presenting it too much, but it's nothing a little brain programming can't fix! Do any of you guys get a little stage fright? Mine is improving, just at a pace slower than a snail...

And about what Alix said with that phrase. I think there is a separation between the two for some things. Like, school keeps me going. Do I like it? Not really, but I've changed so much from it, and it keeps me motivated. Friends keep me going, even when they don't keep me happy. That means I always strive to be a good person for them and help them.

It's a very fine line to walk, because many things tend to blur that line, but there are definites to each side just as there is exceptions.

Well, I'll stop short because I really need to study for the test on the Cardiovascular system. this is like our...6th body system? I'm not sure, I lost count.

Whatever. Good night.

Lots of Love
~Emily~

Keep you happy, or keep you going?

Hey guys,

Despite being back at college and having teacher point out time and time again how close our exams are, I've had a great week.

I'm planning out the next few months of my life, week by week with enough time to get all my subjects sorted. Its taken hours already and I'm not done, but it doesn't start till next week. I must say your own revision situation Julia inspired me to do similar time frames to get it all done.

I've also spent a lot of time with my boyfriend, which always makes me slow down when I'm getting wrapped up in my college life.

Julia; thank you for your kind words on my vlog, always great to hear and I've very glad that you resolved your head girl/house captain situation.

Emily; its great to see you back regardless of the day you come back on :) Well done on your tests and all your other achievements since you've been busy. Hope your good luck continues.

Right, so I guess I need to actually make a point.

I overheard someone talking about things in their life a while back. They were going through things they thought they needed and what she had. Mostly boyfriends stuff. (Just so you know, I don't usually pry, but she was being so loud). The friend she was talking to said one of the most profound things I've heard a stranger say at our college.

"Do they keep you happy, or keep you going?"

It's something I made a note of, and then promptly forgot about till earlier today. I started to realise, its hard to define the difference. Some things feel like both and blur the lines.

Lets try something basic. Food. Keeps you going, keeps me happy. I love sitting in bed with chocolate. The little comforts in life.

Then there are other things, friends for example. There are times when you need them to keep you happy, days your not low but just need that extra smile. And then there are times you really, really need them.

I cannot tell you how many times I've texted my friends crying, asking for their help on guy issues.

The more you try to define parts of your life into either of these categories, the less it becomes possible to do.

What do you guys think, can something keep you going, without keeping you happy? Or is there anything in your lives that land in either category?

I'm ALIVE!!!

*Gasps for breath* Oh dear god! These past few weeks have been a living hell for me, you guys! I truly do apologize for not posting anything. There was just so much going on, I don't even know where to start. Well, I'll try to explain myself.

SO right after I finished my Nervous system test AND project, my lovely teacher assigned us ANOTHER project, due in a week, on the same day as ANOTHER test. But that's not all--oh no! Teaching all of those seven year olds has proved to be a very time consuming and exhausting task. I teach two more classes this week before I'm done, thank god. I also fell ill with the most awful cold I have ever had.

And after I FINALLY finished my project and test for anatomy, I get assigned ANOTHER FREAKING PROJECT. Not to mention that I also have a research paper for English. I have had almost no time at all to even breathe. It has just been a whirlwind of papers and lesson plans and sneezing.

I only picked up my violin three times in the past two weeks.

Now after that lovely pity party I just had, things have been somewhat calmer, and there are some positive things to all of this. Lets look, shall we?

1. I made an 88/100 on my Nervous System test while over half the class failed.

2. I made a 101/101 on my bone test.

3. My students love me.

4. I am eating healthier.

5. I have finally caught up with all of my TV shows.

6. I saw Celtic Woman again. They were fantastic.

So I think the good outweighs the bad if I look at it now. Sadly, it's not over yet, for I still have about 6 weeks left of school before summer. That means there are still projects to make, tests to gripe about, and finals to study for.

But now to everyone else. Alix, I'm going to take a look at your vlog as soon as I stop typing this. I have no doubt that it will be enjoyable. And about the whole choice about moving with your boyfriend or staying for a career, do what feels right in your heart. I can't make any decision for you, and neither can anyone else, even your boyfriend. Life is all about making these kind of choices. So what if the choice you make doesn't turn out the way you expected? Those are the kind of things that you grow from, and everything in life happens for a reason.

And Julia, good move on your part with the whole prefect thing! I know how it feels to be swamped with work--and it doesn't feel pretty. I'm a big believer in having a little bit of free time every day to just relax. And here's the deal: you don't need to do everything at school to get into uni. Notice how complete idiots who barely pass make it. In the uni's eyes, you are both just two more students who are both going to graduate with the same piece of paper and get the same job. The only difference is that you probably put excess stress and worry into the whole process while the idiot parties the whole time. Now I'm not saying totally slack off, but just don't worry about getting into uni. You will.

Okay, so this week, I'll be back to my normal schedule and post on Thursday, which it my last day of teaching! Yay!

Thanks for being patient and awesome!

Lots of Love,
~Emily~

Situation resolved.

So I handed in my head girl application.

And then I went and asked for it back.

I was sitting in physics after I'd handed it in, and I was thinking about what you said, Alix, and then someone in my class said to me "you know head prefects have to go to all the school board meetings, right?" and gosh, I certainly did not know that, and then I may have started panicking and wondering what in hell I'd gotten myself into. So the second school was over I went down and asked for my application back to "change something" on it, and then I re-handed it in yesterday, but instead of applying for head girl, I applied for house captain, which is a) less work, b) more fun, c) less competitive, and d) still looks good on a CV. So things have worked themselves out, I guess.

Alix, I watched your vlog, and I really liked it! You don't seem awkward in front of the camera at all, which is good, because that happens to loads of people when they start vlogging, like they're not sure if they're crazy or not and they're eyeing the camera like it might turn on them at any moment and maul them to death. But yeah, you don't have that problem. In terms of what to talk about, I'd say just go for something you're interested in and that you think you can make interesting or entertaining.

I woke up yesterday feeling really ill and it only got worse today, so I totally missed out on Record Store Day, which I am not pleased about in the slightest. I spent the day trying to study (I've adopted Charlie's Don't Break the Chain system for studying - four hours minimum per weekend day and two hours minimum per week night, it usually takes longer but the chart is keeping me motivated) and also reading Will Grayson, Will Grayson, which is the last John Green book I need to read in order to have finished all of them (so far).

I also bought myself a new Depeche Mode album last night and listened to it four times this morning. I love, love, love Depeche Mode. I'm not even totally sure why. I just always seem to go back to them. Now I've switched to an old We Were Promised Jetpacks album, and I just realised I'm both listening to them and also wearing a shirt I got when I saw them play live that one time (I waited five hours just so I could be at the barrier for that gig. I waited through a dubstep support band. If that's not dedication I don't know what is).

Maybe Emily is just busy? At least, I hope she's just busy.
Best wishes,
Julia x

I finally did it!

I finally made a vlog. It only took me almost 2 years of being on youtube. I felt great after it and even enjoyed editing it. I thought hearing myself talk over and over again would make me want to give it up but it didn't.

If your interested, I'll post the link here but don't feel any pressure to do so, its quite long. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eI5hb_cQJtY

Even if you guys don't want to watch, I was wondering if you had any ideas of topics to vlog about in the future. I decided just to go for it and about half way through recording I realised I really should have at least typed out a few ideas for a topic for when I got to a lull in my thought process.

If there's anything you like to watch people talk about, or anything you want to know about me, I'd love to hear it.

Julia, about your head girl problem. I had a similar problem when I was made a prefect. Although I was sure I wouldn't get head girl, I did wonder if deputy would be appealing to me.

If its just something to put on your cv and your heart wont be in it, it may not be the best idea. There are other ways to beef up a uni application as I found, even general stuff like volunteering for charities or part-time jobs.

However, if its something you'd be really good at and would put your heart into, then it would be worth considering further. And even if you do get deputy, it would show on a uni application that you could be given responsibility while taking direction from someone above you.

All in all, it boils down to how much you would want and work at it vs the other work you will have to do.

Hope that helps in anyway.

We do seem to have lost Emily though. Hope she's ok.

Bye all
Alix

Mostly just hypothetical speculation.

Gah! I almost totally forgot it's Saturday! In my defence, not having to go to school just makes me lose track of time...and days...so yeah.

What have I done this week...I've tried to study. Stared at the walls a lot. I was meant to go into town with some nerdfighter friends yesterday but they cancelled on me, so I ended up just wandering about by myself. I bought Will Grayson, Will Grayson, the only John Green book I've yet to read, and volume three of Fullmetal Alchemist and volume five of the Sandman. That last one was on the top shelf in the comic book store - and that shelf is really high! I ended up asking a random, tall stranger for help. He looked really surprised but was very nice about it. Afterwards, I had to explain my Pizza John shirt to the comic book store guy, who didn't look like he understood at all. I go to that place so often, I swear, it's only a matter of time before I know all the staff by name.

I'm a prefect at my school and just before the holidays they gave out application forms for head prefectship, and I can't decide if I want to be head girl next year or not. See, my issue is, I think if I applied I've got a reasonably good chance of getting it. Like, it would by no means be a guaranteed thing. I'm not sure who else will apply and depending on who does the chances of me getting it are even doubtful. But I can't decide if I even want to apply. For one thing, I'll already have a lot of work next year and I don't do very well under a lot of pressure. Also, if I didn't get head girl, I might end up being deputy head girl, and that's just a slap in the face - all the responsibility, and none of the rewards.Another thing:  I have absolutely no authority. Zero. I'm just not a very authoritative person. I could tell some first years to do something and they'd just laugh at me. So I don't know how good I'd be at being head girl. And furthermore, I sort of dislike having responsibility.

So you're probably looking at this list and thinking, Julia - if you've got all these objections, then why in hell are you even considering it? And the honest answer is...I have absolutely no idea. The logical part of my brain is screaming no don't do it this can only end badly, while my more egotistic brain is being all, no one is getting my head girl badge!

There are two things about it that appeal to me, the first being that it will look good when I apply to universities and stuff later this year. And I could probably use that, especially since I don't even know what I want to study, my life lacks direction, etc. The second is that a head girl makes a speech at the end of the year - a speech to the whole school and teachers and parents and stuff - and I really want to make that speech. I like public speaking, and I think I could do it really well. Leave an impression, I guess. Give them something to remember me by. Something funny, inspiring, and ultimately hopeful. I'm pretty sure I could pull that off. But getting to make the speech carries with it the disadvantage of having to do head girl type stuff for a whole year. And all of this is working under the assumption that I even get chosen.

Maybe I'm overthinking. I'm hoping for some kind of epiphany either tomorrow or the next day.

Alix, that sounds like a really tricky decision! I wish you the best of luck with it. I'm also really jealous that you have a concrete idea of what kind of career you want. Right now I'm thinking starving writer, or maybe lottery winner.

I hope you guys are all doing well! Best wishes;
Julia x

Its 11:20 pm, so this may not be the most articulate

Hey guys,

Its still a holiday week where I am. I haven't done any homework yet and I know that by friday that's going to panic me. But I've spent most of the holiday with my boyfriend and eating chocolate.

Wouldn't take back a moment of it.

Yesterday, I decided I was actually going to make a vlog. I recorded myself talking to my webcam for about 30 minutes. And then spent about 2 hours editing and it wasn't even half done.

So I might go do some more of that in a moment but when I have it done I'll tell you guys and you can actually see what I look like now.

I've been thinking a lot about my future recently. Between knowing I should do more work and my boyfriend talking about how our life will be if we stay together, thoughts haven't really left me.

About 2 years ago, I decided i wanted to do music as a career. Then 6 months later my ears started having issues. They ring when its really quiet and it hasn't gone away.

So I've been looking at careers in music that I can do without putting myself in the way of more loud music incase that is the cause (which the doctors don't think, but I'm not so sure)

My boyfriend has always wanted to live in Canada and the problem is that they have quite a small music industry compared to USA and UK.

I just wonder if I might have to sacrafice one for the other. And I'd hate to drift around jobs in Canada and make him support me.

And I know it sounds weird for a 17 year old to talk like this relationship will work out, but I've had relationships before and this is so different and is working so well. I can't see either of us not fighting for us for as long as possible.

I don't even know if this is making any sense. I've been awake for about 19 hours now and kinda NEED to sleep soon.

I promise next week I'll have more point.

Hope you are all alright :D

Alix

Better.

So I cannot thank you guys enough for all your advice. It helped a lot. And I'm feeling a lot better about this whole situation, or at least, I've had a chance to distance myself from it a bit. I was out with my friends and it was such a lovely day and we were laughing and I just kind of thought, why would I need anyone else? So although I'm still a bit sad and stressy, it's better.

I've spent the week trying to study, but I haven't got as much done as I'd have liked. Yesterday I went to see the Hunger Games for the second time with my friend Declan, who is easily one of my favourite people in the world, and two of his friends from his drama class, who are both terrifically nerdy. It was nice, and also I bought volume 4 of Sweet Tooth, which is quickly becoming one of my favourite graphic novels. Lost at Sea by Bryan Lee O'Malley is my favourite graphic novel ever, if anyone's curious.

Prom is right after my exams and I need to buy a dress, but I'm struggling to find anything that I like. I'm not really one for, y'know, conventional prom-type stuff. One of my friends mentioned to me that someone is throwing an after party that apparently "everyone" is invited to, but I really hate parties, so I turned round to the rest of my friends and suggested we all got together for a My Little Pony marathon instead.

I don't want to wear anything floor length because I feel like that would just be inconvenient and irritating, and I also kind of hate glitter and gaudiness. I mean, is it too much to ask for something elegant, yet bold? Unusual, yet classic? I'm going back and forth between just settling for something that I don't really mind, or throwing caution to the wind and going all out steampunk or Lolita or something.

On Monday I went to Alex Day's signing and I just had the nicest day. Declan (he's my only friend who likes youtube, you see) and I went into Edinburgh early and sat in the station for a while, waiting for Alex's train to get in, which is a bit stalkerish, I realise. While we were waiting, we met up with some lovely people I know from previous gatherings, who we ended up spending the day with. We saw Alex's coat through the crowd and all rushed over to him, where we were confronted with a horde of fangirls.

Then he had to leave for an interview or something, so we waited in the station a bit more for our friend Jenny to show up, at which point we headed over to HMV, where a line was already forming. We went in and bought our copies of Lady Godiva in case the store sold out (which, in fact, they did) then went to Waterstone's to leave nerdfighter notes, and then went to McDonalds. We were standing on the pavement waiting for the lights to change when suddenly we notice that Alex Day is standing right next to us. I kind of creepily reached out to touch his coat, but he started running for a taxi so that didn't work out.

We eventually joined the huge line outside HMV and I got out my new Uke, Roderick, and we sang a Forever Yours and a few (a lot of) Chameleon Circuit songs, and also Friday. And we finally got in and Alex signed Roderick for me, and I was horribly awkward. Anyway, here's a picture:

I like how pleased Danny looks in this.

After the signing we all went for Pizza and it was really nice, just sitting, chatting. It was genuinely sad saying goodbye to people, I think we all had a really amazing day. 

Okay, I'm sleepy. Thank you again for all your kind words and encouragement, you guys are the best <3 

See you next week.

~Julia x 

Stay Strong!

So I know it's not actually Thursday, but oh well. I had a bunch of studying to do this week for a huge a test in Anatomy. I can't believe I actually studied though. It still feels so weird.

Oh, and happy Good Friday to everyone! I'm not sure what it is, but I have a day off from school today. It's something Christian, though. Well actually, we have a weather day, but it just HAPPENED to fall on a Christian holiday. Coincidence? I think not. But I also don't have violin lessons tonight, since I go to a Christian school, what a big surprise. This seems to annoy my mother to no end. I think its because all the magazines they have are about the bible and stuff. But hey, they give out free snacks, so I'm not complaining!

Anyways, I had an Anatomy test, as mentioned above. I heard from former students that it was the hardest test, so I studied my ASS off for the past four days. It was intense. SO the test went by smoothly for the most part. I blanked on a couple of questions, but I think I still did pretty well. But the pressure to finish everything is SO not over yet. I still have an Anatomy project due Monday, an oral test where I have to name all of the bones (I have a skeleton in front of me, though), a teaching unit where I go to elementary schools and teach little kids french for three weeks, AND a research paper! It's a shock that I haven't exploded yet.

Well, that pretty much sums up my week. Moving on to Julia's issues.

Really? They're making fun of you over a fanfiction? How old are we, seven? Why do they even care? It sounds to me like they're just really immature. Well I agree with what Alix said about clearing your mind over the course of the next two weeks.

Go jog, walk, or whatever makes you feel good. Eat your favorite foods and stay in bed longer, anything that'll make you happy! That way, you'll be able to think clearly and objectively about the whole situation. If you can, talk to a parent or someone close who can tell you the best way to handle it. I don't know the inner workings of your brain, so I won't tell you how you can and can't do things. That's up to you.

But whatever happens, don't let the kids teasing you know that this hurts you. If they think you couldn't care less, they'll eventually go away. Always appear to be strong, even when you're dying inside. That's how I've survived.

So use this break to your advantage. Visualize yourself happy, confident, and totally unaffected by negativity. Absolutely nothing can get in the way of your happiness except yourself, if you let it happen. As Henry Ford once said: Believe you can; believe you can't. Either way, you're right.

I hope that made sense, if nothing else. I wish you the best!

Have a lovely week, you awesome people!

Lots of Love
~Emily~

Not a lot to say today

Hey guys, how are you all?

Going to jump right in to what Julia said.

I honestly couldn't give any advice based on prior experience. Any problems like this I've had I usually kept my mouth shut, took the higher ground and then spent evenings imaging all the things I wanted to say to them. It was my way of releasing those thoughts.

But, in response to the options you said you had, getting angry or getting upset, I have found that in those moments on my own where I let a mock fight play in my head, I get upset, get it all out. It usually means that if anything actually happens I don't get as upset about it.

Like I said earlier though, I don't have alot of experience in confrontation. Usually the person or people are being so petty that I can just let the frustration build inside of me and ignore them.

What you want is a moment of clarity over this holiday. A time where the anger has started to dissipate and you can think about it all crystal clear. This would be the time to work out what you want to do, how to handle it and how to get the outcome you want.

Hope that helps but I get the feeling that didn't make any sense. Sorry.

I enjoyed reading all your opinions on religion. I love that we're open minded.

Anyway, hope you are all ok.

Have a good week

Alix