Ok, so I know it's not technically Saturday, but I've got time right now, and I'm going to a gathering tomorrow and will probably be so tired when I get home, and I have a feeling this is going to be a long post. Besides, it's going to be Saturday in an hour and a half.
I've had kind of a horrible day. It was my last day of school and we now have a two week holiday, which should make me feel awesome but kind of doesn't, because a) I need to study pretty much all of that time, and b) it means I need to wait two weeks to confront, threaten, and maybe punch certain people.
I found out last thing today that some people in my year have been talking about me behind my back. So this wouldn't bother me very much if what they had been saying wasn't completely untrue. They were pretty much dragging my name through the mud, and while I hadn't really considered us friends, we speak quite often and I'd thought they were decent guys. I guess I was wrong.
So maybe this requires some explanation: a while back I wrote a fanfiction. I cannot stress this enough - it was not smut. It wasn't. It wasn't even remotely explicit. It had a bit of making out in it, I guess, but that was all. Anyway, someone I used to trust knew about my fanfiction account and found it, whereupon she showed it to a group of guys I occasionally speak to on skype, who all go to my school. Of course, they blew the whole thing out of proportion, but it wouldn't have been nearly as bad if she hadn't sent another, very smutty fanfic to them at the same time, and as stuff got passed on and more people found out, someone apparently started to believe, and tell others, that this terribly smutty fic was mine.
And it didn't matter how often I told people it wasn't. It didn't matter one bit.
So now people are talking about me. And it sucks and it's not okay, because as well as claiming I write that kind of stuff (which, by the way, I don't have a problem with other people writing, I think it's totally fine) they're also saying other stuff about me, stuff that is so ridiculously untrue and also damaging to whatever reputation I had. I'm really sad and angry, because I've been nothing but nice to all of them. I've never said anything mean to them or made up any rumours, so it gets to me. I don't understand, and I need some advice. See, I don't really know what to do about it all. I have to wait two weeks to confront them in person, and I'm not sure what'll happen - I'm not one for confrontation really, and either I will lose my temper and get violent (it can be dangerous, no one's seen my violent side and I'd prefer that it stay that way) or I'll just burst into tears. The latter is more likely. I don't even know. I feel like I've ignored this kind of stuff too long. I'm tired of it. I sort of want to send one of the guys a facebook message just telling him that I know what he said and that it hurt and it wasn't nice of him, but I feel like he would just tell people about it and that would make it all worse.
This all feels so hideously juvenile. They're all so immature. With every passing day I find myself liking the people at my school less and less, getting more and more frustrated with them. I'd just like them to think about what they say and how it can affect people. I want them to imagine others complexly. I don't understand why they don't feel bad about doing this kind of thing! Ugh.
On a happier note: I have a gathering tomorrow! It should be fun. And also, I'm going to Alex Day's signing in Edinburgh, and I'm super excited. I've already met him once, at a trock night in Glasgow, and he was really lovely. My fangirl side is emerging, I'm afraid, and I've gone as far as trying on different outfits and thinking about what the best options are for different weather scenarios. I have precious little life, clearly.
And now, onto the subject of religion:
I like to think that I'm very open minded. Recently I had a bit of an existential crisis and swung away from a sort of Christian faith to a kind of Christian-leaning agnostic state. Basically, I would like to believe in a God but I'm struggling a lot right now. I don't know what I believe, really.
Other people's beliefs have never really troubled me. I don't care what religions my friends subscribe too. I don't mind religion and I don't mind atheism, what I do mind is pushiness and closed-mindedness. I know a lot of pushy atheists: I'm right and you're stupid for believing what you do. Like, seriously? Also, religious fundamentalists, the kind who believe the same as the arrogant atheist types, but in reverse.
I don't get it. Live and let live. Different people believe different things. It's something I like talking about, I like hearing about what other people believe and why, and how they keep their faith, but you can only have this kind of discussion with certain people, while the closed-minded ruin it with scoffing and insults and stuff.
I feel like a lot of people who have that kind of mindset are the same kind of people who will decide whether or not they like someone purely based on one aspect of them. Like, they will decide they hate all Christians because of their predetermined notions about them. But it's ridiculous: you wouldn't say, I'm friends with that person because they're a Christian, it's more like, I'm friends with that person, and they're also a Christian.
So basically what I'm saying is: I totally respect everyone's right to believe what they want, but I don't like being told flat out that I, or anyone else, is wrong, nor do I like people insistently trying to convince me that they are right. Okay, that's all. I've quite enjoyed this, and have so far agreed with everything you guys have been saying.
I desperately hope I haven't offended anyone or anything.
I hope you're all doing good! You're excellent!
~Julia x
No comments:
Post a Comment